It’s Oscars night on Sunday, that magical time when, well, the BAFTAs, Golden Globes, Guild Awards, and other ceremonies repeat themselves – but with added hype, expectation and chance of upset. However you hope the night will go, you’re kidding yourself if you say you don’t want to stay up to watch. UK based readers will need to be starting at midnight to see the red carpet in all its fashion police glory, waking up again at 1:30am for the ceremony. This starts four hours of in-jokes, teleprompter line-readings and awkward applause (with a side order of genuine glamour and showbiz spectacle). But never fear – the lovely contributors at ORWAV have MasterChef’d our audience a foolproof* and fail-safe* menu to see you through the event.
GET OUT – APERITIF – Created by Joni
The earliest release kick-starts our night, with an unconventional take on the pre-dinner cocktail. Usually served after a meal, the White Russian becomes the perfect introduction to Oscars 2018 with a health shot of Best Actor nominee Daniel Kahlua – sorry, Kaluuya. Sure to put you in a trance for the whole show.
For each cocktail:
- 2 shots of Vodka
- 1 shot of Kahlua
- ½ shot of cream
- Fruit Loops cereal
Fill a white china tea cup with ice cubes. Pour vodka over the ice and let it settle into the sunken place. Add the Kahlua and mix uncomfortably. Add cream on top, allowing it to naturally separate. Garnish with a handful of Fruit Loops and serve with a silver teaspoon.
THE SHAPE OF WATER – POWER SNACK – Divined by Tori
Sure to be a big hitter tonight, The Shape of Water offers our guests the protein hit necessary to make it through the marathon ceremony. For bonus ORWAV Oscars points, repeat each time The Shape of Water wins an award, potentially bringing new meaning to the unlucky number thirteen.
- Green sweets
- A cat (optional)
1. Hard boil as many eggs as you fancy (it’s all about the protein), either in a pan of boiling water or in an automatic plastic contraption. As they firm up, feel free to take some, err, “alone time”.
2. Find a pool to pop them along the edge of – preferably a swampy, overly-salted tank in a shady government facility in order to get that nice sea foam garnish – and wait for your date to surface.
3. If you’re looking to pack even more of a protein punch, unleash your wild side: grab the nearest pet and go raw. Cats’ heads are a particular favourite.
4. Craving that sweet finishing note? Stock up on mid-range lime-flavoured candy.
DARKEST HOUR – CANAPÉS – Researched by Calum
Winston Churchill preferred to mix warm and cool elements in his breakfasts, so his formidable spirit can be honoured with a bit of ham – in honour of Gary Oldman’s performance, and the stuff stuck to his face – and some poached eggs in this Churchillian brunch canapé plate. More specific, though, is Churchill’s preference for cold chicken with a bit of toast and jam, and a grapefruit (plus, obviously, coffee and whisky). Our idea of a tribute to Joe Wright’s slick biopic is simple, but add whatever the hell else you feel like. You’re Winston Churchill, for God’s sake. Who cares if this the worst combination ever? If it weren’t for WWII, you’d still be one of our worst politicians ever!
- Red grapefruit halves
- Slices of cold chicken breast
- Buttered toast and jam
- Drams of scotch
THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE EBBING, MISSOURI – STARTER – Investigated by Bertie
Grab your red paper plates and dish up a tasting trio of the American South’s finest food, showing off the culinary delights of the Show-Me State.
Deep fried ravioli
Heat an unhealthy amount of sunflower oil over medium heat until it’s ready to fry. Set out a shallow bowl of buttermilk, and a second of bread crumbs. Dip any store-bought ravioli in the buttermilk to coat completely, drip off the excess, then dunk the wet ravioli in the bread crumbs. Fry the ravioli until golden brown, about three minutes. Once cooked, removed and dry, sprinkle with Parmesan and serve with a bowl of warmed marinara dipping sauce.
St. Louis Pizza
Lock away your idea of Italian pizza, because you’re about to witness a culinary crime. Missouri’s misguided manifestation consists of an ultra-thin and dry crust like a cracker, too much oregano, and a smothering of processed cheese. To make matters worse, serve it up cut into squares instead of wedges.
Fried Brain Sandwiches
Testimonials say that brains taste like fluffy chicken, so play it safe and use chicken mince, onions and garlic to make a patty. Grill until well-done; serve in a fluffy white bap with BBQ sauce.
LADY BIRD – COCKTAIL – Studied by Carmen
This recipe hails from Club Raven, the bar mentioned in Greta Gerwig’s film and a Sacramento establishment. As the city provides so much inspiration to and receives so much love from the talented auteur (who’s planning three more films set in the Lady Bird universe), it feels right to go as local as possible for this flavour. It might be hard it might be to recreate fully in the glacial United Kingdom, but if Lady Bird dreams of going to college on the East Coast we can dream big too.
The Lady Bird Cocktail ingredients:
- A full cup of ice
- Two parts vodka, preferably Tahoe Blue
- Two parts sweet and sour mix (or one part simple syrup and one part lemon/lime juice)
- A splash of soda water
- A drizzle of blackberry syrup
- Garnish: a blackberry and a lemon slice
THE POST – MAIN COURSE – Leaked to Calum
Legendary Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee was a great fan of sirloin steak, which doubles as the perfect celebration of Tom Hanks’ tough, scene-chewing homage. Let your steak rest for a half-hour before cooking; then massage it with some olive oil, salt, pepper and plenty of garlic while your pan heats up.
The garlic’s key here – a major component in Vietnamese cuisine, which we’re honouring to reflect the Pentagon Papers, which exposed decades of ruinous American meddling in south-east Asia. For side-salad, a basic gỏi is perfect: shred some papaya, carrot and cabbage and toss together with garlic, red chili and coriander (plus salt and pepper).
DUNKIRK – DRINK – Mixed by Bertie
We’re at the stage of the night which is unlikely to get a lot of love, but which gets the job done efficiently and effectively. A reimagining of an old favourite, here we recreate wartime rivalry with a dose of sea-sickness thrown in for good measure. The classic B-52 is set gloriously aflame as a Spitfire, hunted down by a spirited chaser.
- Overproof Rum
- French lager
- Messer Schmitt Herbal Schnapps
Take an over-sized shot glass, to which we’re going to add only a shot of liquid – the extra space is important. Add 1/3 shot of Kahlua first, then float 1/3 shot of Bailey’s on top of this by pouring over the back of a spoon. Float 1/3 shot of Cointreau as the third layer, then add a small layer of rum. Seperately, pour a half pint of French lager and a shot glass of schnapps.
When you are ready to drink, light the layered shot glass and drop the schnapps shot into the beer. Spitfire first, depth-charge second, tactical retreat to the bathroom third.
CALL ME BY YOUR NAME – DESSERT – Devised by Bertie
If you like to finish with a sweet taste in your mouth, then you’re in luck – it’s time for dessert. No need for any unconventional ingredients, just make sure your fruits are a mix of younger and older but still fresh, and prepare a mouth-watering peach cobbler.
- 800g fresh (or tinned) peaches
- 120g golden caster sugar
- 150g plain flour
- 1 tsp baking powder
- Pinch of ground ginger and ground cinnamon
- 150g butter
- 1 egg
Heat oven to 180C. Grease a baking dish with extra butter, then delicately lay peach slice by slice in the bottom. Sprinkle with 2 tablespoons of the sugar and the ground ginger. Mix the flour, remaining sugar, baking powder, cinnamon, then add cubes of butter and pulse in a mixer until the mixture resembles breadcrumbs. Add the egg and continue to mix until it comes together into a single dough. Add this to the dish of peaches, spreading to the sides but leaving room for growth. Bake for 40 mins, until golden. Serve with fresh cream.
PHANTOM THREAD – MORNING-AFTER BREAKFAST – Sourced by Jessamy
If you’re looking for a breakfast that not only satisfies every possible food craving you might have before midday, but also somehow combines old school sophistication with post break-up binge eating, then Reynolds Woodcock has just the ticket. Simply crown a tangy Welsh rarebit with a (not too runny) poached egg and accompany with bacon, followed by scones, cream and a jam that isn’t strawberry. Oh, and some sausages. Wash it all down with a nice pot of lapsang souchong.
If kinky power-play (or indeed, simply screwing with people) also appeals, you could dictate this tantalisingly long-winded breakfast order to your other half and insist they make it from memory.
Ingredients & Method – Serves 2 (or 1 Hungry Boy):
For the Welsh rarebit:
175g mature cheddar, grated
a good splash of Worcestershire sauce
2 tbsp ale (or if you’re feeling fancy, Guinness; if you’re feeling less fancy, milk will do)
1 tsp English mustard
a pinch of Cayenne pepper
2 slices of fresh white bread, toasted
Simply combine the cheese, butter, Worcestershire sauce, ale, mustard and cayenne into a delicious gloopy paste and spread onto two lightly toasted slices of bread. Place under a hot grill for a few minutes until bubbling and brown.
2 eggs, poached
2 slices of bacon, fried or grilled
2 sausages, fried
2 fruit scones
1 pot of clotted cream
1 pot of raspberry jam
1 pot of loose leaf lapsang souchong tea
*these words may be exaggerations. ORWAV haven’t tried any of the recipes listed above, in isolation or in combination, so we take no responsibility for your actions if you follow these instructions. Let us know how it goes in the comments section below!