The Legend of Hercules is incredibullshit.

Women pout, men flex, random specks float about to say “3D!” and our beefy protagonist squares off against a sniveling Reece Shearsmith-alike for his true love.

Zeus himself hath seemingly decreed that no scene shall be longer than sixty seconds, and Hercules rattles through Troy, Gladiator, Robin Hood and, frequently, 300 in under ninety minutes. Here even slo-mo is mercifully swift.

Make no mistake, this is mythology for the Twilight crowd – where Hercules wields a lightning whip and a torso so oiled you’d swear it was laminated – but that doesn’t mean it isn’t sheer entertainment.

Less 300, more 2.99: cheap in every sense of the word but the cost – and all the more glorious because of it.

Rating: 2/5

INFORMATION

CAST: Kellan Lutz, Scott Adkins, Roxanne McKee

DIRECTOR: Renny Harlin

WRITERS: Sean Hood, Daniel Giat, Renny Harlin, Giulio Steve

SYNOPSIS: The son of a mortal and Zeus survives exile and war in order to reach his beloved and free an enslaved kingdom.