The Hatton Garden Job, from the very beginning, is an exhausting waste of time. There’s nothing in this film that inspires joy, instead, it’s a two-hour long stare into an abyss where creativity has died and been replaced by hammy East-Ender accents and acting so stiff that it makes Fast and Furious 8 look like The Master. At least Fast and Furious 8 has some self-awareness.

There are many flailing, tiresome attempts to inject the film with any sense of excitement – for starters, there doesn’t seem to be a single quiet moment in The Hatton Garden Job, as every second not filled by stilted dialogue is filled by tracks that all sound like temp scores for the Ocean’s films. The constant attempts at wit fail to muster up anything more than a sigh and a check of the watch.

Ronnie Thompson can’t seem to conjure up decent performances from his cast or write a memorable character. At best, the main characters are interchangeable – at worst, there’s Joely Richardson’s Hungarian gang leader, who only stands out because of some seriously robotic line readings. When it actually comes to the main hook of the film, the bank heist that we are so often reminded is “a crazy idea” and “impossible!” – there’s no excitement or craziness to be found. Instead – spoilers – the audience is treated with a grand total of 23 MINUTES OF DRILLING. The film can’t decide whether it wants to be farcical film or deadly serious, with a cookie-cutter dramatic score replacing the cookie-cutter ‘fun heist’ soundtrack later on.

The Hatton Garden Job fails at almost every basic requirement of film making – it tells, extensively, and forgets to show; it shamelessly copies without building on its inspirations, and it ultimately fails to entertain for even 1 second. Stay as far away as you can. 

RATING: 1/5

INFORMATION

CAST: Matthew Goode,  Joely Richardson,  Stephen Moyer, Clive Russell, Larry Lamb, Phil Daniels

DIRECTOR: Ronnie Thompson

WRITER: Ronnie Thompson

SYNOPSIS: Based on real events, four retired thieves get together to pull off one last heist – targeting a bank vault in London’s Hatton Garden area.