“Ever wake up one day and realise nothing in your life was the way you thought it would be?” our hero is asked at one point.

“No.”

A femme fatale, a hotel room, a flashback, a missing kidney. Of course Van Damme knew it would be like this – within five minutes we do too.

He punches, he kicks, he groans – and we watch because, hey, he’s very watchable, and that helps when the surroundings are occasionally dodgy green screen and fairly unremarkable dialogue.

But then, this is a fairly unremarkable film that happens to star Jean-Claude Van Damme.

It’s derivative schlock: well choreographed and trudgingly shot, but Van Damme – rocking the make-up of a panto dame – gives his all, driven on by memories of less televisual exploits.

RATING: 2/5

INFORMATION

CAST: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Darren Shahlavi, Charlotte Peters

DIRECTOR: Ernie Barbarash

WRITERS: Joshua James

SYNOPSIS: One (Belgian) man tries to retrieve his stolen kidney in order to save his niece.