Pop quiz, hotshot! What comes after “You chose this life”?

A – “It chose me.”
B – “Don’t talk to me about life.”
C – “You can’t hide from destiny.”

Chose A? Congratulations!* Here’s $95 million (!) to waste on a picture presented in pioneering Audience-Groan Surround Sound.

Seventh Son was meant to be released February 2013, presumably with the YA market ready for a hip new upstart that sounds like Jeff Bridges doing a Bane impression. Instead it got a poorly-written, oh-so-predictable companion piece to the execrable RIPD that at least aims slightly higher with its world-building.

It’s too often a chore to make out Seventh’s beautiful countryside and cast members through the frequent eye rolls that some truly terrible dialogue and a limp love story induces.

RATING: 2/5

*C also features in Seventh Son because of course it does.

INFORMATION

CAST: Jeff Bridges, Ben Barnes, Julianne Moore, Alicia Vikander, Djimon Hounsou

DIRECTOR: Sergei Bodrov

WRITERS: Charles Leavitt, Steven Knight and Matt Greenberg (screenplay), Joseph Delaney (novel)

SYNOPSIS: A slayer of evil seeks a new apprentice to help him battle the evil witch, Malkin.