Cast: Corey Sevier, Eve Mauro, Jasen Wade, Danielle Chuchran, Paul D, Hunt, Matthew Reese
Director: John Lyde
Writer: Kurt Hale
Estimated Budget: Unknown
U.S. Gross: Unknown
This week on The Citizen Kane of Awful I will be tiptoeing around the decaying carcass of zombie bin Laden. My entire life has been leading up to that sentence.
I’m just going to quote the IMDb synopsis because it’s one of the greatest things I’ve ever read: “The story follows Dusty, a yoga instructor from Colorado, who is on a desperate rescue mission to save her crazy brother Derek, a conspiracy theorist who is convinced Osama bin Laden is still alive. In Afghanistan, Dusty falls in with a team of NATO special forces on a secret assignment. Turns out Derek is not so crazy after all, and that Osama has returned from his watery grave and is making an army of zombie terrorists.” If you’re not hooked already, you have the heart of a zombiefied Osama.
I’m being generous here because Osombie clearly has a far lower budget than any film I’ve reviewed so far. Despite this, director John Lyde has an eye for an interesting shot, even if he sometimes lacks the tools to do it justice.
Duh-duh, duh-duh, duh-duh, duh-duh duh-duh duh-duh duh-duh, da-da-daaaaaah!
This is the greatest villain reveal of the 21st century. I cheered. A woman goes swimming on an idyllic beach at sunset when a sinister presence approaches from the depths. It may as well have been accompanied by John Williams’ Jaws score for all it was an open nod to Spielberg’s sharky friend. The woman vanishes from her boyfriend’s sight, and moments later, a ragged figure emerges…OSOMBIE.
Tomboy the token girl
The character of Tomboy clearly started life as the token hot woman in the squad, but her personality is actually far more well-rounded and intriguing than most of the rest of the cast. She’s got guts and an interesting, though largely unexplored, backstory and most of all, she’s got a samurai sword so she automatically wins at life.
There’s also a hilarious moment where her partner gets turned into a zombie and after he dies we cut to a montage of Tomboy practicing with her samurai sword, silhouetted by the sun. Straight after we cut back to a colleague asking her if she’s going to be alright now (she is). Apparently the grieving process is that simple everybody. Who knew?
Osama bin Laden
By turning him into a ridiculous zombie, the makers of this film have managed to remove the fear once associated with bin Laden’s name. Now every time I hear him mentioned I just start laughing. I wouldn’t be surprised if the U.S. Military secretly funded Osombie to boost patriotism.
SPOILER: Joker’s death
Joker takes a bullet to the neck minutes before the credits roll and with his dying breaths he delivers a genuinely touching take on his usual one-liners. With Tomboy trying and failing to save him, he says: “So there’s a murderer, and he’s sitting in the electric chair about to be executed. ‘Any last requests?’ says the chaplain. ‘Sure’ says the murderer. ‘Will you hold my hand?’”
When the zombies appeared in bin Laden’s Abbottabad compound I paused the film, put my face on the table and laughed for a solid minute. You know it’s coming; it’s still hilarious. I think it’s the carefree set-up that does it for me. Some U.S. Army SEALs break into the compound, crack open a garage door with a hazard sign and lo and behold. Oh zombies! Oh no!
Want to feel like you’re in an underfunded ‘90s PS2 shoot-em-up? You’ve come to the right place. The dial is set firmly to annoying sub-metal whine.
Topless fight scenes
This guy takes his top off to fight insurgents. I blame Obama. There is no reason for this, just none, which makes it hilarious. I mean look, he’s charging into battle in the desert, topless. I was laughing pretty much continuously throughout this scene.
The dialogue and its delivery thereof
Anyone fancy a new tagline for Osombie? How about “bad words, spoken badly”. Kurt Hale clearly lucked out when he thought of this concept and most of the film’s dialogue is about as believable as its plot. On the other hand, that also makes it hilarious. Just take a look at some of these lines:
Just before one of the soldiers becomes a zombie: “Tell Satan I love him”.
Dusty – “I’m trying to find my brother, Derek Miller. He is trying to end the war on terror”.
Tomboy – “Speak for yourself. I plan on living, in a living sort of way”.
Have you ever heard a man with a cockney accent ask: “Whass yor bruvva know abaat bin Laden?”
Tomboy slaps her partner: “That’s for getting bitten”. Then she kisses him: “I was supposed to have your baby” – The baby had NOT been mentioned before this moment.
DC – “All Carol does is motivate me to kill things that should already be dead.”
If there was one thing I didn’t expect to find in a zombie flick about Osama bin Laden, it was product placement. Nevertheless, this is the second time the soldiers have blatantly mentioned Wal-Mart and I don’t think it’s a coincidence.
For a film that lives and dies by its insane concept, this film doesn’t actually feature a huge amount of Osombie. The undead are largely unremarkable cannon fodder and most of the interest in the story comes from the actually quite interesting commentary on US foreign arms dealings and military policy. The direction and acting are passable throughout but I spent most of the film laughing and shaking my head at the sheer insanity of the situation.
Star Rating: 2/5
Kane Rating: 4/5
Next time I will either be watching The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!?, a horror-musical from 1964 featuring a zombie stripper, or Titanic: The Legend Goes On, an animated retelling of the worst passenger ship disaster in history. Vote below and decide my fate.[polldaddy poll=7918464]