Kyril Bonfiglioli would choke on his afternoon port if he could see what’s become of his cult ’70s novels.

Johnny Depp turns the deliciously depraved Charlie Mortdecai into a prancing caricature, with a moustache as limp as Eric Aronson’s jokeless script. As for the rest of the cast, one can only assume Depp got some seriously incriminating information on them to ensure their participation. Surely no one would sign up for this willingly.

Paul Bettany’s thuggish manservant proves the lone bright spark, but otherwise this madcap caper has all the wit and charm of a Carry On film with erectile dysfunction.

It doesn’t take an expert in fine art to see that this is a cold, soulless knockoff of a true masterpiece. Yet another disappointment from the once-great Johnny Depp.

RATING: 2/5

INFORMATION

CAST: Johnny Depp, Gwyneth Paltrow, Ewan McGregor, Paul Bettany, Jeff Goldblum, Olivia Munn

DIRECTOR: David Koepp

WRITER: Eric Aronson (screenplay), Kyril Bonfiglioli (novels)

SYNOPSIS: A debonair art dealer finds himself recruited by MI5 to locate a missing Goya painting that may hold the secret to finding a fortune in hidden Nazi gold.