For xXx newcomers, the opening events of this film might seem confusing. To explain: superheroes do exist in this cinematic universe, but they possess nothing more than inexplicable athletic abilities and apparently never-ending sex appeal.

As xXx 3 opens, satellites start falling from the sky because of a magical box that all the world’s rascals (and governments) want to get their hands on. These satellites start killing people, so it’s time to put those super-punchy athlete-heroes to work to steal it back, and musclebound Xander Cage (Diesel) leads them all.

Across a handful of colourful settings, Diesel’s muscles stunt on everything from forest-clad mountainsides (on skis), to open water (with amphibious motorcycles), to bad guys’ faces (surrounded by lingerie models). For every shootout and knee-to-the-groin, there’s twice as many boob shots and cringe-worthy one-liners. In a surprising twist, Ruby Rose delivers the one-liners from behind a sniper scope while the boobs-and-legs quota is filled by literally hundreds of model-like extras.

The wall-to-wall action scenes are far-fetched; it’s not clear if this in a ‘this is so cool’ or ‘this is so silly’ way. Either one would be enjoyable, but xXx 3 mixes bad puns and moral struggles too freely. Often, lines are delivered halfway between a smile and a grimace.

Diesel and his gang of stunt-murderers don’t offer much personality beyond a handful of catchphrases. Nina Dobrev’s comic relief stands out from the blandness, and hers are the only scenes which get genuine laughter out of the confused, abrasive tone.

Teenage boys will recount the outrageous action scenes of xXx: Rise of Xander Cage to each other in the playground. They might even rent the movie as they heard it contains “heavy sexual references”. You, an adult with free will, should never watch this film. It’s very bad.

RATING: 1/5

INFORMATION

CAST: Vin Diesel, Donnie Yen, Deepika Padukone, Kris Wu

DIRECTOR: D.J. Caruso

WRITERS: F. Scott Frazier (screenplay), Rich Wilkes (based on characters created by)

SYNOPSIS: Extreme athlete turned government operative Xander Cage (Diesel) comes out of self-imposed exile, thought to be long dead, and is set on a collision course with deadly alpha warrior Xiang (Yen).